


To Have Your Cake And Eat It, Too

by MrsMoosie



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Body Image, Body Worship, Gabriel is a jerk, M/M, Protective Crowley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27403438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsMoosie/pseuds/MrsMoosie
Summary: While Aziraphale and Crowley frequent a small cafe, Gabriel comes in to check on his renegade employee. As expected, things begin going downhill very quickly.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 119





	To Have Your Cake And Eat It, Too

**Author's Note:**

> A prompt request from @ryeregular on IG! 
> 
> I’ve seen fics about weight shame before, and it’s always been a tough subject personally. But. It’s also allowed me to look at myself and appreciate the fact that (even in 2020 🙄) I’m happy to be alive, and that it’s no one else’s business what I look like. Sure there are days I wish I could get rid of 20-30 lbs or so, but I’m a fluffy pillow, and that’s a wonderful thing to be. ❤️
> 
> If anyone ever shames you for a choice you make, for your body, for the way you eat, they’re not worth being in your life.

Crowley was sitting in the far corner of the small bakery, lounging in his chair. It was an art, the way that he sat, and he had perfected it through the years. It screamed ‘look at me, but back off’ all at the same time. He was pretty sure some celebrity had stolen it at some point for some angsty teen heartthrob movie, but refused to be certain about that. The bakery was one that Aziraphale loved better than any other on their side of the Channel. 

It was late in the afternoon, just about tea time and Crowley knew his Angel was peckish at very precise times of the day. He had it down to a science after all these years, and if they were to miss tea time, he would be in for a rather cranky and very fussy Angel the remainder of their evening. He was quietly sipping coffee behind his dark sunglasses, trying not to be too broody. It was a dreary day outside, raining and cold. Oh, how he  _ hated _ the cold, but unfortunately weather wasn’t something that he could change. The temperature in the cafe, however, was. It was nearly hot enough to fry an egg on the table top at one point, but when Aziraphale turned and shot him a look he turned it back down.

Aziraphale was happily looking through the glass case at all the different offerings, completely oblivious to Crowley’s dampening mood in the corner. Angel Food cake, brownies, and tarts were laid out beside elegantly decorated petit fours, macarons and choux buns. He stood up, quite excited that they had his favorites that day and began his extensive order. It was hard not to see how excited he was to bring extras home for later and the next few days, and of course to share with Crowley if he so felt like eating. They didn’t come to this particular cafe all that often, so when Crowley treated him, he accepted with no hesitation. His demon spoiled him, and he tried to spoil him right back.

The gentleman behind the counter happily took his order. He made small talk, offering ideas on different teas to pair with Aziraphale’s purchase as he took a box. He carefully began to fill the shop’s pastel boxes with every kind treat requested, securing them each with beautifully curled ribbons. It was a gift, really, and Aziraphale was more than happy to accept such an elegant looking package. Aziraphale gave a small wiggle and felt his mouth salivate at the thought of the red velvet macarons melting in his mouth.

The door suddenly swished open, and a cool gust of wind blew into the cafe. Aziraphale tensed, knowing full well who was at the door without even looking over. He could sense the being standing there, watching him, and felt the air get that much colder. He finally gave in and looked over, swallowing hard. His heart fell into his stomach and his stomach became quite nauseated. Gabriel. Someone he hadn’t seen in a year, someone he’d rather not see again in his eternal lifetime. Aziraphale was still in shock and, quite frankly, appalled, that he hadn’t been punished for trying to torch him with  _ hellfire _ . It was right in the middle of Heaven, right under her nose! Did She even know about that incident? It was a wonder what God even knew about the past years before armageddon. Perhaps his being lit on fire would have just been one more part of the ineffable plan. She really ought to check in more often, especially on certain archangels.

“Ah… Gabriel. To what… What do I owe this pleasure?” Aziraphale fell back onto good manners, knowing full well if Crowley were to overhear it would come off as passive aggressive.

Gabriel. Golden age of Hollywood handsome, in his perfectly tailored grey suit offset with his purple scarf to match his eyes, well groomed and entirely too by the book, walked into the cafe. He strode along with a confidence that could put monarchs to shame. Crowley, still sitting in the corner, felt a rumble in his chest. His eye began to twitch, and his coffee cup was clenched entirely too tightly in his hands. He felt a protective possessiveness coming over him, watching the Archangel walking towards  _ his _ Aziraphale, with his ugly fake smile. Crowley knew the things that Gabriel had said to Aziraphale through the years, and the pair hadn’t seen him since he had tried to light Aziraphale in Hell Fire.

Needless to say, Crowley had a deep seeded anger and hatred of the celestial being. He was the personification of everything that was wrong with Heaven, from the tip of his coiffed hair to the sole of his perfectly polished shoes. He would gladly dissolve him into dust with his bare hands for what he had done to Aziraphale. His mind began to race but he stayed down, staying silent and waiting for the exact moment to strike. It was a snake-like instinct, the longer the wait, the sharper the bite. He wanted to shout at him to get away from Aziraphale.  _ His  _ Aziraphale.

“You’re no longer our employee, but you still have the ability to perform miracles, Aziraphale. I’m required to check on you every ten years. I know it’s been one year since we last saw you, so consider this your first appointment.” Gabriel said.

“Oh. Well, going forward I would appreciate it if you were to write a letter. Or tell me beforehand. There are many ways of reaching me beforehand. Emails, perhaps, or sending a carrier pigeon would suffice. You can always make this one of those video chats.” Aziraphale snapped, knowing full well Crowley would help him to silence the confounded machine. Crowley perked up and grinned, leaning closer. This was better than any Golden Girls episode he’d ever seen. His bastard Angel would certainly give Dorothy a run for her money- maybe they should find a new show to watch… Regardless, Crowley was so proud of him. 

“Doesn’t work that way, Sunshine, we have to do an in person, physical check on you. Besides, it seems like you need a physical check up anyway. Way overdue, I think.” Gabriel’s finger pointed over Aziraphale’s body, his eyes following as it moved from head to toe and back, pausing around the midsection. He gazed down to Aziraphale’s center and back up with an ugly smile.

Crowley’s jaw clenched, and if his eye twitched any harder it was going to turn into a permanent thing. He grasped his mug far too tightly, causing it to shatter into tiny fragments. The customers at the table beside him jumped, and possibly decided it was a good time to leave.

“What is that supposed to mean.” Aziraphale lifted his chin, “I don’t see you telling Sandalphon to lose his gut.”

“He doesn’t need to- He’s an Archangel, not a  _ field worker _ . Besides, that’s not a gut, that’s all muscle. I’ve been warning you for years to lose it, to stop ingesting this gross human food like it helps you fit in. It’s disgusting, and does nothing for you. Goes right to your-”

“Gabriel!” Crowley shouted, jumping over his table and standing beside Aziraphale, “Long time no see, how’s Heaven treating you? Hopefully like the shit bag you are?”

Aziraphale’s eyes widened to saucers and he stopped breathing immediately. He was in complete shock that Crowley would ever say such a thing to an Archangel. In front of humans…  _ To his boss _ .

...Ex-boss.

“Ah. The demon Crowley.” Gabriel took his pocket square from his suit jacket and held it up to his nose. He looked offended by Crowley’s very presence, and nauseated by the smell of evil on him as if he were a skunk. Crowley decided he wasn’t going to move away from Aziraphale any time soon.

“Well. Checking in are you?” Crowley grinned, looping an arm around Aziraphale’s shoulders, “We’re doing  _ just fine _ .”

“Crowley…” Aziraphale said, his tone warning, “Stop…”

Gabriel chuckled and looked down into the bakery case, then back to Aziraphale, “Maybe you should stop coming out to these sort of establishments, Aziraphale. The ones with food. I do hear that a salad can be just as good, or perhaps a juice bar?”

Aziraphale looked from the pastry case back to Gabriel, eyes wide and innocently confused. A salad? A juice bar? Why did this even  _ matter _ ? His breath hitched as Crowley’s nails began to lengthen into claws, digging into his shoulder angrily. He could feel the demon trembling.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Aziraphale asked, “I don’t think it’s any of your business what establishments Crowley and I frequent considering you are no longer my employer. I happen to like coming here, to the cafes and the restaurants.”

“You’ve gotten soft.” 

Gabriel’s hand reached out, a finger heading straight for Aziraphale’s stomach and Crowley watched it as if it were in slow motion. Aziraphale hardly had time to look down as the offending finger headed toward him. Gabriel’s eyes were watching Aziraphale’s stomach, right where he was heading.

Crowley snapped a hand down and grabbed the offending hand immediately, before it could make contact and snarled angrily.

“If you ever.  _ Ever _ . Touch him.” Crowley growled angrily and gripped Gabriel’s hand tighter, surely bruising the skin or worse, “If you ever dare  _ speak _ to him like that.” Crowley’s hand tightened even further. Aziraphale jumped as he heard a crack, the bones in Gabriel’s hand more than likely crushing. Gabriel shouted at the unexpected feeling of pain in his human corporation, something that Crowley would ensure he felt much more of if necessary, “I will  _ end you _ , Archangel.” Crowley let out in a hiss. 

“You will feel divine retribution if that happens, Demon. He is still on our payroll as an Agent of Heaven, just like you are in Hell. I will do and say what I please with my renegade employees, especially when they are lacking.” Gabriel snapped, ripping his hand away. His other came and brushed slowly over the crushed bones, mending them instantly. Crowley balked at the idea that Aziraphale was anything other than perfection. His perfect Angel, from head to toe and everything in between-  _ lacking _ ? Crowley regretted only crushing his hand.

“You will  _ not _ .” Aziraphale frowned, “I refuse to be treated this way! This is  _ my _ corporation, who are you to have any say over it?”

“I sign off on all corporations, Sunshine!”

Crowley glanced sideways to Aziraphale, anger slightly subsiding as he met those bright blue eyes. Oh but he’d do anything for Aziraphale. He’d kill for Aziraphale, even kill an Archangel or two. Not today though… Today, he had other plans. Crowley slipped his hand up Aziraphale’s back into his hair. He looked down at his lips and glanced at Gabriel, smirking.

“I very much love his body.” Crowley turned Aziraphale so they were facing each other. 

“Er…” Gabriel wrinkled his nose.

Crowley’s lips tugged into a small smile and he looked thoughtfully down to where his hand stroked over Aziraphale’s fingers. He then slowly brushed long fingers up his arm, over his jacket and every inch up to his shoulder. “I love everything about you, Angel. Your gorgeous thighs make the best pillow. I love feeling you pressed against me, your strong arms holding me…” Crowley paused before he got too into detail, noticing Gabriel’s nose wrinkling at the thought of the two of them touching, “Hm… Maybe I have you to thank for this body then, Gabriel?” 

Aziraphale was very confused at what was happening. Crowley was acting strange. He was far more protective and possessive than he had ever before, and Gabriel… His words were like bee stings, itchy and painful, making his skin crawl. He was always cold and critical towards Aziraphale, but this was calculated and vindictive. Thank goodness Crowley was there with him. 

“You’re both disgusting.” Gabriel snarled.

Crowley smirked and pulled Aziraphale closer still, kissing him hard, making a point of it.

“Mm… That was deliciousss.” Crowley hissed before turning to Gabriel and snarling “You need to go.” His fangs were showing, scales were crawling over the back of his hands angrily. Crowley’s eyes flashed as he held his Angel tightly.

Aziraphale glanced sideways to his boss as he nuzzled into Crowley’s face.

“Goodbye, Gabriel. I expect the next time we meet you have a more professional attitude, especially considering your own position. Aren’t millennial reviews coming soon? I suggest next time you don’t show your face. I don’t think I’ll be able to entertain the notion of your presence a second time.” Aziraphale gave a snap and left the cafe, with Crowley in his arms. They arrived in the back of Aziraphale’s shop, his box of pastries was set neatly on the table beside them. There had been quite the sum of money left behind for the poor gentleman behind the counter working, and a small blessing bestowed by Crowley, for his troubles.

Crowley gauged his surroundings for a moment, becoming familiar with where they were and grinned, quite pleased with what they had just done.

“Angel, that was-”

“Do you…” Aziraphale paused and backed away from Crowley, his hands slipping away and grabbing onto the bottom of his waistcoat, “Do you really… What you said?”

Crowley’s eyebrow raised and he tilted his head, trying to read between the lines, and missing out on what was happening in the situation. What was he supposed to say? Yes? No? What did he say that he did or didn’t mean?

“What?” Crowley settled on.

“About my… My corporation. My body… You said…” Aziraphale looked up, feeling the emotion swelling throughout his body. It was such a sensitive subject for him, and had been every time Gabriel showed his unfortunate face on Earth. 

Crowley understood immediately what was happening and he took two large steps forward, holding Aziraphale’s face. He pressed their lips together in a toe curling, spine tingling kiss. It was something out of one of Aziraphale’s cheesy romantic comedies he secretly enjoyed indulging in, or the occasional spicy erotic novel. It was hard, and desperate, needy and so full of love and devotion, until Crowley pulled away.

“Aziraphale… I could spend the next millennia showing you just how much I love your corporation. I could have destroyed him today for every word that spewed out of that disgusting mouth. That… That  _ thing _ deserves a little time in the deepest pits of Hell for the things he’s said to you. No, deeper. Maybe Lucifer is looking for a roommate… But…” Crowley paused and his hands took Aziraphale’s.

“But…?” Aziraphale pried.

“But I didn’t do any of that because I knew it would hurt  _ you _ .”

“But I’m soft and-”

“And perfect, in every way. I don’t want you to change, don’t you get it? There is nothing wrong with being soft and warm. All they know is how to be cold and have too many trumpets up their asses.” Crowley smiled and took the small step that allowed him to press his forehead against Aziraphale’s, “I love you when you’re happy, Aziraphale. If your happiness is in the form of a good meal, sharing wine with an old serpent, and reading to him, then I’m happy.”

Aziraphale felt tears welling in his eyes and he sniffed, closing them tightly, “But my stomach…”

“Is it hungry? It makes an excellent pillow? Really, it’s a five star nap location.”

Blues eyes looked up, confused at the question, “I… I don’t…”

“I know what he said was shit, and I can understand your feeling hurt. Just remember every piece of bullshit Gabriel said is his opinion _,_ and _fuck_ _him_.” Crowley snarled, “Are you happy? _Were_ you happy before that prick showed up?”

“Yes…”

“Good. Then he never showed up. Can we carry on? Want me to get the wine? I might even indulge in your little box there.”

Aziraphale felt his cheeks pink in happiness and nodded, lifting a hand from Crowley’s and wiping the tears from his eyes, “You’ve always had such a way with words, Crowley.”

Crowley grinned and offered a wink, leaning in and kissing Aziraphale’s forehead, “I learn them from you. Now open that box. I’ll get the good stuff.” 

As Crowley walked back into the shop, Aziraphale’s lips curved into a wide smile. He glanced sideways to the pastry box and clasped his hands together before him. Crowley was right… He had been so much happier before  _ he _ had showed up. Everything had been perfect until that moment of harassment, and it had always been that way. The feeling would linger after until he’d eventually put it out of his mind. Crowley always saw to that, reassuring him, grounding him, reminding him that Gabriel is a cockwomble. 

Aziraphale heard a siren flying down the road and his eyes lit up in joy. He had, what he would forever call just a ‘strong feeling’ that the gentleman behind the counter had phoned the police during their conversation. He really hoped that somehow, Gabriel hadn’t left the cafe yet and would cause quite a scene when the police approached him asking questions. Maybe he would even be too confused to miracle himself away in front of so many people, and go with the humans willingly. 

On the couch, Crowley grinned and lifted up his book, which happened to be upside down. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on IG @mrsmoosie35


End file.
